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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26145595">…Please</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/delicate_mageflower/pseuds/through-the-stars-to-the-pavement'>through-the-stars-to-the-pavement (delicate_mageflower)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Avatar: The Last Airbender</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>ADHD Sokka, Angst, Anxiety, Author is desperately trying to purge some demons, Autistic Zuko, Depression, Eating Disorders, Emotional support exists but it is fleeting and ephemeral, Everyone Needs A Hug, F/M, Guilt, I Don't Even Fucking Know Man, I'm Sorry, M/M, Mental Illness, Multi, Neurodiversity, Nightmares, Nothing is okay, Overprotective Sokka, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Stream of Consciousness, Suicide Attempt, This got really out of hand, Trauma, and it needed to be released, and no idea what to do with them, being too depressed to cry is real and it is HELL, enjoy your stay, i have emotions, it only gets worse okay, just like in real life, oops this ended up requiring a second chapter, there is nothing happy about this, this is just, what the fuck did i even just write</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 11:20:26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,930</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26145595</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/delicate_mageflower/pseuds/through-the-stars-to-the-pavement</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Not everything can be healed.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Sokka/Suki (Avatar), Sokka/Suki/Zuko (Avatar), Sokka/Zuko (Avatar), Suki/Zuko (Avatar)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>148</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I've had a lot of people sincerely reach out to me in the comments here and I just wanted to say I appreciate y'all very much.</p><p>If anyone wants to follow me on Tumblr, I'm <a href="http://becauseanders.tumblr.com">becauseanders</a> there. I can be really bad at using it and it is definitely a dumpster, but feel free. &lt;33</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Scars.</p><p>Untouchable. Painful, without feeling. Old, new. Fingers trace, breathing stops.</p><p>Nightmares.</p><p>Unyielding. Incurable. <i>Breathe with me, breathe with me.</i> Words of love respond, met with furrowed brows and rising heartbeats. Sometimes floods of tears, sometimes none at all. <i>It’s okay, love, you’ll be okay.</i> Well-intentioned lies. Nothing can heal the hurt.</p><p>Sun. Earth. Snow. Gold. Blue. Red. Green.</p><p>Colors, sensations, whirlwinds. Togetherness helps. Loneliness lingers ever still.</p><p>Threats and injuries. Memories and fresh experiences. It never ends, never ends.</p><p>It never ends.</p><p>Breaths held, fingers laced. Delicate whispers, anguished cries.</p><p>Safety is never promised. Uncertainty is guaranteed.</p><p>Ribbons. Necklaces with meanings, meanings meant only for them and their hearts. Bows tied tight behind necks. Symbolic. Defiant.</p><p>Uncertainty is guaranteed. Danger is constant. Risk is almost relaxing. At least it’s familiar.</p><p>His voice, her eyes, his smile. Their hopes, their dreams, their destinies. Everything to lose. Everything, everything, everything.</p><p>Spiralling out, much like airships of years past, like battles of fire between siblings, like wounds and marks and losing track over the years of how many are emotional and how many are physical and how many are either but given instead of taken. How many were forced versus how many were self-inflicted. How much difference there is between the two.</p><p>Zuko struggles to care for himself. Sokka struggles to speak. Suki struggles to help. And then it goes around again. Zuko, help; Sokka, self-care; Suki, speak. Zuko, speak; Sokka, help; Suki, self-care. Their wounds differ. Their experiences bond.</p><p>They are all drowning. Their friends and families, too. No one is beyond trauma. No one stands on solid ground. Everyone suffers.</p><p>Everyone suffers.</p><p>Holding down food hurts in the depths of depression. Suki hides knives sometimes. Zuko doesn’t know, until he does. Sokka’s weapons are too large to be convenient. Besides, he’s more likely to hurt himself in over training than with the weapons themselves.</p><p>Not everything heals with time. Not everything heals at all.</p><p>Warm bodies. Hot breath. Chills of the past, aching into the present.</p><p><i>Hush, now, we’ve got you.</i> It’s beautiful, this love. It will never be enough. All three know it. Not one of them dares to admit it.</p><p>Wishing things had turned out differently. Wishing, hoping, praying not to wake up tomorrow. It happens sometimes. It just fucking happens.</p><p>Romanticizing death. Romanticizing decay. Knowing there is always a chance the darkness will win. Knowing there is always a chance of losing all they’ve built. Knowing at all times it could come crashing down at any moment. Knowing <i>the</i> choice is not always <i>a</i> choice.</p><p>Gasping, shouting, pleading.</p><p>
  <i>Be okay, be okay. Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me like this.</i>
</p><p>Is it inherently selfish to care so much? To give so much of oneself?</p><p>Unanswerable questions. Unmanageable disease.</p><p>It hurts.</p><p>
  <i>It hurts.</i>
</p><p>Longing and loss. Forgiveness and fear.</p><p>
  <i>I can’t lose you.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Someday you may have to.</i>
</p><p>Screaming, screaming, screaming.</p><p>Laughing, cheering, light with love.</p><p>Thrashing, panting, heavy with <i>too fucking much.</i></p><p>Forever is never a promise. Forever is a hope, a wish, a prayer.</p><p>But…</p><p>
  <i>Please.</i>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The day before yesterday I posted a Zukki fic involving Sokka and Suki holding a long, loving vigil over a Zuko who was clinging to life. I had a lot of strong feelings writing it, gave myself a lot of my own feels telling a long story revolving around characters who were praying for their loved ones to live and be happy.</p><p>Yesterday, a longtime friend I had not seen in some time died. I have not had it confirmed but I would literally bet money it was a suicide. I am not processing this. And to get way too personal at people who don't know me, all I can think with how far I have been slipping is that it was supposed to be me.</p><p>I haven't cried. I'm not sure I can. I can't kill myself for a little while longer now, either, because that would just be rude as fuck to our many mutual friends.</p><p>So my brain decided to take it out in writing angsty bullshit. This took me literally ten minutes to write and I think I poured out as much as I could as well as I could. I don't really know how else to express it. This is my best version of coping. Fandom and fics are really all I have as, like, a general rule. So I guess that's just what I'm doing now, too.</p><p>So yeah, sorry about this for being…whatever this is.</p><p>But if you actually read this whole rant in the notes here, please tell the people you care about that you care about them real quick. I know that's trite and cliché but that's where I am right now because someday you might never be able to tell them again.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>What I wrote yesterday was not enough to purge what I needed to. This isn't either, but…</p><p>I had to try.</p><p>This is written entirely from experience. Everything from the perspective of the person making the attempt that isn't specific to this universe, anyway. It's been almost ten years since my last attempt and not a day goes by since that I don't mourn my own failure. I have never since accepted my survival. I'm not sure I ever will.</p><p>What happened to inspire the previous chapter has been sad on its own but so intensely triggering and I feel so guilty feeling like I'm making it about me in that, and I've been kind of shutting down irl, and actively suicidal author is still actively suicidal but trying harder than ever to suppress it, so I'm putting it all in here. Because I don't know what else to do.</p><p>There is nothing happy about any of this. Also, emeto warning. Again, this is all from personal experience. In terms of both the emotional lead up and the medical details and in the long term emotional consequences. And it still fucking hurts.</p><p>It just made the most sense to me to tack this nonsense onto what I posted already.</p><p>But yeah, lol, no one needed to hear all that. This is just such a mess I guess I felt the need to explain myself for writing it. But tbh no one needs to read this either. Shrug.</p><p>I am definitely not counting this as a real story within my own personal canon, but.</p><p>I just had to get this out. It's all I can do right now.</p><p>¯\_(ツ)_/¯</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Aang, Katara, Toph, and Iroh are all visiting.</p><p>The timing couldn’t be worse. The timing couldn’t be better.</p><p>They’re here because Zuko is slipping and no one has missed this. Sokka wrote to Katara. Sokka has been scared. So scared. Fear he hasn’t felt in years. Suki wrote to Iroh, because fuck knows she feels it, too.</p><p>Suki and Sokka can’t seem to explain to him that they love him and they want him and they don’t know what they’d do without him. That he is their sun, their everything, and all their lives are better for having him in them.</p><p>
  <i>You have each other. You’re not alone without me. You don’t need me.</i>
</p><p>Words Zuko thinks but does not speak. But Sokka hears them. Suki hears them. They know.</p><p>Zuko agrees to join them for dinner. Since everyone is here. It’s good to see them like this. It’s good to tell them…</p><p>It’s loud in here, inside his head. He can’t tell them <i>how fucking loud</i> it’s become, how the anxieties and insecurities have morphed into voices and the voices have turned to screaming.</p><p>He doesn’t know when it changed, what snapped. He’s not sure it was anything in particular at all. He just knows that one day, he felt everything inside of him die. He just knows that since that moment, the emptiness inside him has been desperately scratching at him to be set free. He needs to set it free.</p><p>His head has been killing him. His duties have been overtaxing. He is overworked, on sensory overload, and when he’s this busy having to deal with people it’s inevitable he will be approached from his left side more than he can stand. He doesn’t see them coming, doesn’t hear them coming. And he startles so easy. He never says a word. He is crawling out of his skin.</p><p>Sokka and Suki are pretty much his fucking babysitters. Insisting he eat, insisting he sleep. They hold him through nightmares, guide him through panic attacks. They coax him until he can breathe again.</p><p>He, him: burden, nuisance, inconvenience.</p><p>
  <i>They love you. They really do. They’d be devastated if anything happened to you.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>I don’t want to hurt them. I love them so much and I never want to make them hurt.</i>
</p><p>He begs down the demons, fights inside himself.</p><p>
  <i>Yes, this is true. But time will pass, and they’ll be okay. Because then they will realize. They will realize how much better off they are without you. How much easier their lives are once you’re gone. You’d be doing them a favor. If you really love them, you will do them this favor.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>I don’t want to hurt them. I love them so much and I never want to make them hurt. So it’ll be better, ripping off the bandage in one fell swoop. Because I will hurt them. Someday, somehow. Of course I will. I’ve made so many mistakes. I am destined to make too many more, and now there is too much to lose.</i>
</p><p>The demons beg back. Their arguments are always quite compelling.</p><p>And Aang is here. He’ll spring into action regarding the political fallout. Perhaps that thought is a tad selfish, but he’s the fucking Avatar. He’ll do his duty. And then he’ll figure it out, too, that Zuko taking his life is actually a gift.</p><p>
  <i>They did just fine without me before. They’ll do just fine without me again.</i>
</p><p>Zuko has stopped recognizing his reflection. That distinctive scar that usually defines him in his mind, it doesn’t look like his own anymore. This mass of rough, red tissue which has stared at him back every chance since he was thirteen is a blur of offputting colors and harsh textures and it looks painful but it isn’t <i>his.</i></p><p>He doesn’t know his partners have noticed the changes in his behavior. He doesn’t know how scared they are for him. He doesn’t know that’s why their friends are here.</p><p>He just knows he can say a proper goodbye now. And then they’ll all be there to comfort each other once it’s done.</p><p>The timing couldn’t be better. The timing couldn’t be better.</p><p>His head is killing him. All the stress, how little he’s been eating and sleeping, on top of the chronic tinnitus and sensory losses and skewed depth perception Ozai gave him, has him spinning.</p><p>He has held on to so much agony for so long.</p><p>He has nowhere to put it down.</p><p>Except…</p><p>
  <i>Just breathe. You won’t have to much longer.</i>
</p><p>This is a kindness.</p><p>It might hurt at first, but they’ll see. He hates knowing it will hurt, but they’ll see. They’ll see what he already knows.</p><p>This is love.</p><p>This is kindness.</p><p>At least he’ll get to say goodbye.</p><p>He once confessed to Sokka that he’d considered taking his own life before. It was a relief to Sokka, that he didn’t. It was a relief to Sokka, that his direct influence had done so much to keep Zuko alive.</p><p>
  <i>It’s not your fault. I have to make sure you know it’s not your fault.</i>
</p><p>He writes.</p><p>It feels a bit cliché. People always talk about leaving notes but he’s also heard almost no one ever actually does.</p><p>But in this case, it feels wrong not to.</p><p>
  <i>Let me explain.</i>
</p><p>He writes.</p><p>His words fall like water, pouring onto the page.</p><p>But water is not his element. Fire and water are opposites.</p><p>He burns page after page in his hands, he chokes on the smoke left in the wake of each discarded letter. Nothing will be right. Nothing will suffice. But he has to leave something.</p><p>
  <i>Let me explain. I love you so much, you have to understand that.</i>
</p><p>He has to leave something.</p><p>
  <i>This is not your fault. You have given me everything. The best years of my life. Love like I’d never known. Love I never deserved. And I am grateful. But I can never give back all you have given to me. I promise you, you will realize this in time. I know you will.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Let me explain.You have given me everything. This is the only way I know how to give back.</i>
</p><p>He folds up the final letter he decides not to set aflame. He hates it. It will have to do.</p><p>He opts to keep it on his person. He opts not to risk it being found before it’s ready. Before he’s ready.</p><p>He’s ready.</p><p>His head is killing him. He feels sick to his stomach. He almost bails on dinner, almost decides there’s no time to waste.</p><p>He doesn’t know if he can face these people, the most important people in the world, knowing what he has planned. But he owes them one last time. He owes them that much.</p><p>He picks at his food. Every bite he forces down feels like it’s going to come right back up.</p><p>They know. They don’t know what, but they know something. They know he’s not okay.</p><p>He traces the outline of his facial scar with his fingertips, over and over.</p><p>He woke up screaming again last night. His partners woke up with him. He won’t have to worry about waking them up anymore.</p><p>“Zuko, love,” Suki grabs him by the wrist, forces his hand down. He shudders, gasps. He didn’t see her coming.</p><p>He is so tired of living like this.</p><p>“Sorry,” he whispers, and his voice has no inflection whatsoever. “Uh, I just…”</p><p>He doesn’t even try to finish the sentence, doesn’t even try to make an excuse.</p><p>It’s almost over. It doesn’t matter.</p><p>“I’m glad you’re all here,” he says. He smiles. No one believes his smile. It looks…unnatural. “It’s good to see you all again. It’s been too long.”</p><p>Sokka and Suki both recognize he’s shifting into his diplomat voice. They lock eyes. They don’t understand what’s happening but they know they are terrified.</p><p>“Zuko, you don’t look so good,” Katara speaks up. Sokka shakes his head at her. She’s only trying to help, but…</p><p>“No, really,” Zuko continues. “It has. Been a while. And it’s really good to see everyone all at once like this. I truly love you all. I love you all so, so much.”</p><p>“Okay, what gives?” Toph feels it. She feels it deep in her whole body from the soles of her feet. Her tone is not playful. It’s concerned.</p><p>But Zuko is sure she can’t tell exactly what’s going through his mind—she can read people’s emotions too damn well, yes, but she’s not fucking psychic.</p><p>“What.” Zuko does all he can to steady his voice, to not give himself away.</p><p>He can’t give himself away.</p><p>There are two half empty vials in the pocket with the letter. Half empty because he has already started drinking their contents. Because he knows if he takes it all at once, his body will simply reject it. He’ll just get sick and nothing will be better.</p><p>He is making it better.</p><p>“Can’t a guy tell his friends how much he loves them?” <i>Stop it, you’re shaking. Don’t give it away. You can’t give it away.</i></p><p>“We love you, too, Zuko,” Aang tries. “But seriously, are you okay? You can talk to us, you know.”</p><p>
  <i>That’s enough. It will have to be good enough.</i>
</p><p>“Sorry, umm, excuse me. I’ll be…”</p><p>He doesn’t say he’ll be back. He decides not to leave on a lie.</p><p>“Really, is he okay?” Katara asks again after Zuko runs off.</p><p>Sokka and Suki both open their mouths, but it is Iroh who speaks.</p><p>“No. I’m afraid he is not.”</p><p>***</p><p>In the library, Zuko locks the door behind him. There are no mirrors here. No people. Guards are outside as always, but no one follows.</p><p>He’ll be quiet. No one will follow.</p><p>He sets the letter on the nearest table. He rests his head beside it.</p><p>The content of one vial is a simple pain reliever. But it must only be given in small doses. More than an eighth of what he holds in his hand given over a twenty-four hour period is toxic. He sits back up. The other is a sedative. It tastes terrible so he sips it the slowest. It is also deadly in large quantities and does not mix safely with others. He drinks the rest of what he has, impatience getting the best of him. He lays his head over his crossed arms.</p><p>His head is killing him. It won’t be shortly.</p><p>He fidgets with a letter opener. It isn’t very sharp, but it can still draw blood. Droplets form sporadically across the backs of his hands. It feels good.</p><p>
  <i>It will be over soon.</i>
</p><p>Blood stains the paper beside him, his fingers moving restlessly about.</p><p>
  <i>Let me explain.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Please don’t forgive me. Not this time.</i>
</p><p>There was wine with the dinner he barely consumed. That will help. It’s not meant to interact with either medication he’s taken even in normal doses. He is already feeling his eyes flutter.</p><p>
  <i>It will be over soon.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>It will be over.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>I’m sorry. I love you.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Don’t forgive me.</i>
</p><p>He doesn’t cry. He can’t remember the last time he cried.</p><p>He’s heard that being too depressed to cry is a dangerous symptom. He understands that. He misses the release crying brings.</p><p>This is part of why he has to find another way.</p><p>He has to find release.</p><p>He’s spinning. No, the whole room is spinning. Dark and hazy, closing in.</p><p>
  <i>Release.</i>
</p><p>He breathes out a sigh of relief. This is the easiest he’s breathed since…</p><p>Hmm. A good question. One he’ll never answer.</p><p>He feels himself fading but he can still think.</p><p>
  <i>This is it.</i>
</p><p>Knowing he will never wake up again, it’s…</p><p>Serene.</p><p>He smiles.</p><p>
  <i>I’m so sorry. There’s no other way.</i>
</p><p>The room moves in circles around him. His eyes close.</p><p>For the first time in his life, he is unafraid.</p><p>There is no worry. There is no dread. He is not overwhelmed. He is free.</p><p>
  <i>I love you all. You’ll be okay. In time, you won’t miss me. If it helps, don’t forgive me.</i>
</p><p>And then.</p><p>He drifts.</p><p>There is nothing.</p><p>But that <i>smile.</i></p><p>That sick, sweet smile.</p><p>It might be beautiful.</p><p>He gives in. Gives out.</p><p>He embraces the nothing.</p><p>It becomes everything.</p><p>He doesn’t hear the screams.</p><p>***</p><p>There is sobbing. The sounds are muffled.</p><p>There is shouting. Banging. He shuts them out.</p><p>Spirits? No.</p><p>No.</p><p>There wasn’t supposed to be an after.</p><p>He didn’t want there to be an after.</p><p>But wait.</p><p>No.</p><p>Nothing.</p><p>Silence.</p><p>Darkness.</p><p>Oblivion.</p><p>Finally.</p><p>***</p><p>Toph follows his footsteps. Everyone goes with her.</p><p>Toph kicks outside the door to the library.</p><p>“I was right. He’s in there.”</p><p>Sokka goes to open the door.</p><p>Locked.</p><p>They are all thinking the worst.</p><p>What else can they think?</p><p>“Toph?” Suki sounds desperate.</p><p>“That’s all I got from out here.”</p><p>This door is ancient. And it’s wooden. It cannot be coincidence this is the room he chose.</p><p>Iroh knocks. He calls Zuko’s name. No one answers.</p><p>Suki starts to panic. “Fuck, I knew things were bad, but…”</p><p>Sokka is pacing. “Yeah, I know, I know, but if he…he can’t have…we have to get in there, we have to get in there, <i>fuck.”</i></p><p>Katara reaches for her brother, but he doesn’t let her touch him. “Sokka, do you actually think he would…that he could…”</p><p><i>“Yes,</i> Katara! That is <i>exactly</i> what I think, <i>why the fuck</i> do you think I called you here!”</p><p>“Sokka…”</p><p>Sokka punches the door. “He’s been slipping. Bad. Real bad. I think he thinks we didn’t think it’s this bad. But it is. We’ve known it is. We thought maybe, if we got everyone together, maybe…”</p><p>“He was trying to tell us goodbye,” Iroh states plainly. “My nephew has always been a complicated man with complicated emotions, but he made this very clear. Putting us all in one place gave him the chance to do what, in his mind, was right.”</p><p>“So this is my fault.” Sokka slides to the floor. “Oh fuck, I thought I was helping, what have I…”</p><p>“I understand. Do not blame yourself.”</p><p>Sokka blames himself anyway.</p><p>Suki comes back jingling. No one had even noticed she left.</p><p>“I’m so sorry, Iroh,” she says as she toys with the ring of keys she’s retrieved. “If I’d known, I would never have written you. Oh, fuck. Oh—<i>yes!</i> Found it!”</p><p>She unlocks the door.</p><p>They find him.</p><p>
  <i>Oh fuck, oh no.</i>
</p><p>For a second it almost looks like he hears them. For a second they could all swear they see him make the slightest motion.</p><p>But it’s probably no more than wishful thinking. When the screaming starts, he is completely unresponsive.</p><p>The air is sucked out of the room.</p><p>Lungs empty.</p><p>Hearts stop.</p><p>
  <i>No.</i>
</p><p>***</p><p>Sokka and Suki hold hands. They hardly breathe. They tremble.</p><p>They’ve seen Zuko hurt. They’ve seen Zuko on the brink of death. It is never easy.</p><p>But this?</p><p>This is <i>anguish.</i></p><p>They both feel like their hearts have been ripped from their chests, bloody fists tearing through muscle and veins and prying slowly, painfully, pulling and twisting until they come out still beating and then <i>drop.</i></p><p>Everything drops.</p><p>Everything stands still.</p><p>Everything moves in a blur.</p><p>Racing in slow motion.</p><p>It’s different, knowing he chose to do this.</p><p>It’s different, knowing <i>he wanted this.</i></p><p>He was suffering so much he was willing to leave them behind.</p><p>
  <i>How could you leave me behind?</i>
</p><p>He’s terrible at dealing with his mental health. The palace haunts him. His job drains him. His past follows him. His nightmares retraumatize him. And the cycle continues.</p><p>The cycle moves in circles.</p><p>It spins them round and round.</p><p>Falling from grace.</p><p>Dizzy, disoriented.</p><p>Lost.</p><p>But they always get through it.</p><p>They always get through it because they’re never alone, because they have love and support, because they have each other but <i>this…</i></p><p>This is agony.</p><p>It’s not the first time they’ve seen blood. They’ve seen burns, too. They’ve seen him collapse from exhaustion. They’ve seen him weak from starvation.</p><p>They’ve seen him through everything he’s ever dealt with and they’ve held his hands and it wasn’t enough, it could never have been enough, there was nothing they could do, but they’ve loved him so much, and now…</p><p>Now.</p><p>
  <i>Was.</i>
</p><p>They’re already thinking of him in past tense.</p><p>It’s hard to say when they separate.</p><p>Hands slip, hearts fall.</p><p>Control disappears.</p><p>Nothing is under control.</p><p>All is lost.</p><p>Lost.</p><p>
  <i>No.</i>
</p><p>Sokka hits the ground, crashing onto his knees wailing like one of those melodramatic excuses for “actors” from the Ember Island Players. Zuko hated them. Zuko’s always hated them.</p><p>Katara is holding Suki, who immediately started throwing anything she could reach.</p><p>Iroh does not move. Aang covers his face with his hands.</p><p>Toph puts her foot down. Literally.</p><p>“Everyone, calm down. He’s not dead.”</p><p>
  <i>Hope?</i>
</p><p>“Yet.”</p><p>She means hurry.</p><p>Suki stops struggling. “Katara? Katara, please…”</p><p>Katara lets Suki go and runs to Zuko.</p><p>
  <i>Please. Please, please, please.</i>
</p><p>She sees the vials.</p><p>“I can’t do anything about this. Not here, anyway. We need to get him to—”</p><p>“We can’t let anyone see him like this,” Aang protests. The people may think him weak, may seek to depose him. He’s worked too hard, gained too much. It can’t all be lost like this.</p><p>“Fuck that,” Sokka shouts. “Would you rather leave him here to die?”</p><p>“We don’t have a choice,” Suki adds.</p><p>“No, we don’t.” Iroh is stiff. Like he isn’t allowing himself to process anything about any of this yet.</p><p>No one can blame him.</p><p>
  <i>It’s not over yet.</i>
</p><p>Aang and Toph pick him up. Sokka and Suki move to do it but Katara stops them. They’re too close. Everyone here loves him, but they’re too close.</p><p>They don’t need to be the ones who hold him when his heart stops.</p><p>They would want to be the ones who hold him when his heart stops.</p><p>
  <i>If. If, if, if, if, if.</i>
</p><p>Everything feels cold.</p><p>Everyone feels cold.</p><p>Everything hurts.</p><p>Everything is numb.</p><p>
  <i>Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me, don’t leave me, don’t leave me, don’t leave me, don’t…</i>
</p><p>Toph just yells at everyone get the fuck out of her way. She’s the only one who can feel his lifesigns. No one is going to argue with her.</p><p>Suki leads the way. Katara grips Sokka’s arm. Iroh trails behind everyone else.</p><p>He’s probably been closer to death than this. The fact Toph is even bothering to drag him out is a good sign.</p><p>But the circumstance.</p><p>The <i>circumstance.</i></p><p>Their trek is solemn.</p><p>No one dares speak.</p><p>They pass only a few guards. They are given room to move through without question.</p><p>***</p><p>“If only I could have helped you,” Iroh sighs.</p><p>He’s spoken these words before.</p><p>Everyone can tell he’s spoken these words before.</p><p>“Not dead,” Toph reminds him.</p><p>And herself.</p><p>
  <i>Pitter, patter. Pitter, patter.</i>
</p><p>Footsteps. Heartbeats.</p><p>No one breathes.</p><p>The air is thick, harsh.</p><p>It burns.</p><p>Silent prayers. Shaking hands. Spiralling.</p><p>“The Fire Lord has been poisoned,” someone tells a physician. No one knows who spoke.</p><p>No one says who poisoned him.</p><p>But he holds on.</p><p><i>This</i> is not his choice.</p><p>His <i>choice</i> was made.</p><p>They are stripping his agency. It feels wrong, trying to bring him back when he close to leave.</p><p>It feels selfish.</p><p>
  <i>Maybe it is selfish. But you can’t ask me not to.</i>
</p><p>“How could he do this?” Katara seethes. “How could he do this to <i>you?</i> Doesn’t he care—”</p><p>“No, Katara. Stop.”</p><p>Sokka understands being too heartbroken to cry. He feels everything. He feels nothing.</p><p>He cannot lose him.</p><p>
  <i>Don’t make me lose you.</i>
</p><p>“How aren’t you angry?” Katara is, and she isn’t hiding it. It’s not helping.</p><p>“It’s not his fault,” Suki answers. Her voice is breathy, broken. Broken like her.</p><p>“It’s not his fault,” she repeats. “He was hurting. He wanted to stop hurting. If anything, we’re the ones in the wrong. If we really loved him, we’d let him go. We’re not trying to save him for his sake, are we? No. No, we’re not. He made a choice and now we’re trying to take that choice away from him. It’s selfish, and it’s cruel. But I…I can’t not. I know it’s wrong, but I can’t not try.”</p><p>“Taking life should never be the answer,” Aang offers. “Even your own. There’s always another way.”</p><p>“No, there’s not,” Suki yells. Sokka punches something. It may have been himself. “You don’t get to say that. You haven’t been through what he’s been through. Neither have any of us. So we don’t get to judge.”</p><p>“I have to be the Avatar <i>and</i> the last of the airbenders, Suki.” Aang is getting defensive. “I lost my people, my culture, and I have the fate of the whole world to worry about instead. Don’t tell me what I’ve been through.”</p><p>“You’ve got damage, too, I get it.” Suki scowls. She doesn’t want to entertain this. “But you still don’t get to tell others how to handle theirs.”</p><p>
  <i>Don’t leave me. Please, don’t leave.</i>
</p><p>“If he…” Sokka twirls his thumbs, taps his feet. “If he does, you know. Uh. I just…I hope he can forgive us. For this.”</p><p>
  <i>Forgive me. I can’t do this without you.</i>
</p><p>Suki stares at the floor. “Me, too.”</p><p>Iroh doesn’t speak.</p><p>***</p><p>Three days.</p><p>Three days pass.</p><p>He does not wake.</p><p>But neither does he die.</p><p>
  <i>Forgive me. I couldn’t let you go. Please don’t hate me for this. Forgive me.</i>
</p><p>The only sounds they’ve heard have been hushed whispers from the staff, and loud retching the first night after the physicians deemed it necessary to induce vomiting to clear the chemicals from his system.</p><p>The next day, he started convulsing. No one said anything about it to them but Toph could feel it, and it was strong enough to scare her. She started crying and had to explain herself.</p><p>But besides that, they have nothing.</p><p>No words.</p><p>Each isolated inside.</p><p>Fear. Desperation.</p><p>Desolation.</p><p>And then…</p><p>There is howling. Words are gibberish, nonsense, but so <i>loud.</i></p><p>And then they hear it.</p><p>They can’t bear to hear it.</p><p>“No. No. How could you. How could you do this.”</p><p>Sokka is not angry. Suki is not angry.</p><p>Zuko <i>is.</i></p><p>He made his decision. And now he’s standing by it.</p><p>They smell fire.</p><p>No control. Only anger.</p><p>Sokka’s arm is starting to bruise from all the times he hits it. Suki’s arm is starting to bleed from how dug in her nails are.</p><p>No one else moves.</p><p>There is a raw sadness.</p><p>Devastation.</p><p>Hearing him cry out like this is a fresh pain, unique and indescribable.</p><p>
  <i>Forgive me, my love. Please forgive me.</i>
</p><p>“We’ve done a terrible thing,” Sokka sighs.</p><p>Suki nods. “I hope he can forgive us.”</p><p>“But what if he didn’t really want to die.” Zuko’s partners wish Aang would stop trying. “He had to know we’d pick up on something being wrong. And that Toph was there. Maybe it was a cry for help. Maybe it will be okay.”</p><p>Sokka shakes his head. “Hey, remember that time two non-benders and a blind girl—three literal <i>children</i>—went up against an entire Fire Navy air fleet? How good do <i>those</i> chances sound? We all knew it was crazy and that we were probably heading to our death, but we also knew <i>we had no other choice.</i> And we couldn’t stop to think about it. Doing what’s right often means not pausing to consider the consequences. It means running into the fire and not letting anyone stop you. He believed he was doing what’s right. What he needed to do. And he’d never do something like this if he didn’t mean it. Trust me.”</p><p>“How could he think this was <i>right?”</i> Katara’s just scrambling at this point. She actually wants to understand. But she can’t.</p><p>Sokka’s glad she can’t. He isn’t willing to admit that he can.</p><p>Suki takes this one. “He sees himself as a burden. He thinks everything he does is wrong. He doesn’t ever believe he deserves it if something good happens. He always believes he deserves it if it’s bad. And he’s been walking around like the undead for weeks. The only time he acts like himself anymore are the nights he screams. He always apologizes. Like he genuinely believes he did something wrong. But he usually cries. I haven’t seen him cry in so long. You don’t think you’re going to miss seeing someone you love cry until it stops and you just <i>know</i> with everything you are that this means it’s gotten <i>worse.”</i></p><p>“We’ve done a terrible thing,” Sokka says again.</p><p>“Yeah, babe. I think we really have.”</p><p>***</p><p>Zuko’s shouts will haunt them in their dreams.</p><p>The most emotion he’s shown in far too long.</p><p>Enraged by his survival.</p><p>The sounds, the smell.</p><p>“What if he hates us after this?”</p><p>“I don’t know, Sokka. I don’t know.”</p><p>“Suki, I think he might hate us after this.”</p><p>“I know, Sokka. I know.”</p><p>The ache.</p><p>Lingering.</p><p>Can’t eat. Can’t sleep.</p><p>That’s how they got here to start with.</p><p>His habits have been transferred.</p><p>And they, too, believe they deserve.</p><p>They deserve.</p><p>But <i>he…</i></p><p>He deserves better.</p><p>***</p><p>It is impossible to explain.</p><p>Waking up again.</p><p>It is impossible to explain, the sorrow of opening one’s eyes after genuinely believing they are closing them for the very last time.</p><p>It is a grief all its own. Mourning one’s own survival.</p><p>It is impossible to explain.</p><p>It hurts.</p><p>
  <i>It hurts.</i>
</p><p>There was peace. Peace in oblivion.</p><p>He relaxed as he disappeared.</p><p>He <i>smiled.</i></p><p>There was peace. And now it’s gone.</p><p>It is a struggle to breathe.</p><p>He shouldn’t be breathing.</p><p>His eyes can’t focus.</p><p>Focus is returning, not leaving.</p><p>His last moments move in reverse.</p><p>Eyes opening, vision grey but growing clearer. Throbbing in his head increasing. Heartrate rising. Breathing. Feeling.</p><p>He was caught escaping. He must now face the penalty.</p><p>His head is killing him.</p><p>He leans over the side of the bed to be sick. The burn in his throat tells him he has already done a lot of this recently.</p><p>He was saved. Brought back from the brink.</p><p>
  <i>Who gave you the right.</i>
</p><p>It’s their job to save him from assassination. But it should count as treason now, defying his wishes so severely.</p><p>“Lord Zuko.” A stern voice. He does not recognize it. “You’re awake. How do you feel?”</p><p>He does not answer.</p><p>It is impossible to explain.</p><p>He holds his breath and hugs himself.</p><p>His upper arms burn.</p><p>It’s all he can do.</p><p>It hurts.</p><p>The grief.</p><p>It is impossible to explain.</p><p>His head is killing him.</p><p>Yet he lives.</p><p>***</p><p>“I’m sorry.” It’s difficult to tell if Sokka or Suki say it first. They’re not sure he wants to see them. They would guess he doesn’t. They go in anyway.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” they both repeat.</p><p>“I couldn’t lose you.” Sokka. “We couldn’t lose you. It was selfish and wrong, what we did, and I understand if you hate us but we <i>couldn’t…</i> Zuko, we couldn’t.”</p><p>“I hope you can forgive us.” Suki. “If you can’t… I don’t know. I don’t know, but you can’t have expected us to just <i>accept this.</i> You can’t have thought for a second we wouldn’t try… I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”</p><p>
  <i>I’m sorry I couldn’t love this out of you.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>I’m sorry it doesn’t work that way.</i>
</p><p>“You still have each other,” Zuko speaks for the first time since he woke up shouting. “You would have been fine. You’d have each other.”</p><p>“It’s not just us anymore, Zuko,” Suki shouts. “Yes, I have Sokka and I love him but it’s… <i>Fuck.</i> It’s not just us anymore. It’s the <i>three of us.</i> We need you. You, Zuko. You.”</p><p>“You could find someone else, then, if two’s not enough anymore.”</p><p>“Dammit,” Sokka starts to cry.</p><p>Crying. That must be nice.</p><p>“Dammit, Zuko, we don’t need three. We need <i>you.</i> It wasn’t you because we wanted someone else. We never wanted anyone else. It was you because we want <i>you.</i>  Only you. And I’m so sorry you’ve ever doubted that, Zuko, I…”</p><p>“I hope someday you can forgive us.” Suki cries, too. Zuko tries not to feel like they’re rubbing it in, like they’re fucking taunting him.</p><p>“For now, if you need us to leave…”</p><p>Zuko shakes his head. He cannot look at them, but he does not cast them out.</p><p>“But. Sokka. Suki. Why.”</p><p>“I couldn’t love you enough to make you want to stay.” Sokka. “I guess I couldn’t love you enough to let you choose to leave, either.”</p><p>“A life without you in it…” Suki. “I can’t, Zuko. <i>We</i> can’t. I’m sorry. I really am. But. Not sorry enough to regret it. I wouldn’t take it back. Maybe that’s wrong, but. I can’t.”</p><p>
  <i>We’ve done a terrible thing, haven’t we?</i>
</p><p>
  <i>We’ve done a terrible thing.</i>
</p><p>***</p><p>Time passes.</p><p>Nothing is okay.</p><p>Friends part ways.</p><p>They can’t put their lives on hold forever.</p><p>Officially, this has been declared another assassination attempt. It’s a believable story.</p><p>And not entirely a lie.</p><p>The people hear the man has been caught and punished for his crime.</p><p>A harsher truth than most will ever know.</p><p>Arms hold. Fingers brush. Mouths meet.</p><p>In gratitude. In heartbreak.</p><p>
  <i>Don’t forgive me.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Please forgive me.</i>
</p><p>It hurts.</p><p>On all sides, it burns.</p><p>Mourning what could have been. Grieving what wasn’t.</p><p>For Zuko, it is impossible to explain.</p><p>For the people who love him more than anything, it is too much to take.</p><p>Zuko wakes up each morning after the same as he did before. In love. Cherished.</p><p>It does not ease the agony of waking up at all.</p><p>He’s not sure it ever will.</p><p>It is agony.</p><p>
  <i>Breathe.</i>
</p><p>Wrenching, dragging pleas unspoken.</p><p>They plead.</p><p>
  <i>Please.</i>
</p><p>Nightfall made him a promise. Daybreak left him yearning for the beautiful lie left behind.</p><p>
  <i>Don’t leave me behind.</i>
</p><p>Sometimes salvation is not satisfying.</p><p>
  <i>I’m so sorry.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>(But not for the reasons you might hope.)</i>
</p><p>Sometimes caring can seem cruel.</p><p>
  <i>I’m so sorry.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>(I’m even more sorry that I’m not.)</i>
</p><p>Reality claws at them. Restless nights, fraught with the knowledge.</p><p>There is a sickness inside him, far greater than they once knew.</p><p>Sickness sleeps inside him, sickness Sokka and Suki can never love away.</p><p>Submission.</p><p>Acceptance is a myth.</p><p>A fact to which all three must succumb.</p><p>Submission.</p><p>The closest they will come.</p><p>There is a quiet that isn’t calm.</p><p>There is a loss, a pain.</p><p>An ache none can treat. A wound none can heal.</p><p>
  <i>Don’t leave without me.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Don’t follow where I go.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>I make no promise.</i>
</p><p>But spirits, how they love him.</p><p>
  <i>They shouldn’t.</i>
</p><p>It’s the staying that keeps him awake, the breathing that suffocates.</p><p>It is impossible to explain.</p><p>
  <i>I’m not supposed to be here.</i>
</p><p>There will never be sufficient words to explain.</p><p>“It’s not your fault,” the words he chooses. “Please don’t blame yourselves.”</p><p>He tells them again and again.</p><p>They never know how to respond.</p><p>“I love you,” the words they choose. “I love you.”</p><p>He believes them.</p><p>“I love you, too.”</p><p>He doesn’t tell them they’re wrong to.</p><p>He does not beg them to let him go.</p><p>He wants to. But he knows.</p><p>It is too much to take.</p><p>Hearts beat. They count them.</p><p>Each breath feels like a blessing.</p><p>To them.</p><p>To him, his pulse pounding is a pressure. A reminder of his failure.</p><p>
  <i>I’ve made so many mistakes.</i>
</p><p>Loving them has never been one of them. Allowing them to love him, on the other hand…</p><p>Hands, bracing. Hands, holding.</p><p>He holds so much hurt. He has nowhere to put it down.</p><p>He tried to put it down. It now weighs twice as much.</p><p>It is impossible to explain.</p><p>Time passes.</p><p>Life returns to normal.</p><p>Normalcy is an illusion. But it’s the best any of them can do.</p><p>If he has to live, he will lie between them. If he has to sleep knowing he will see the sun again, it will be held tight in their arms.</p><p>There is torment that cannot be taken.</p><p>There are demons that do not drown.</p><p>
  <i>You can’t leave like this.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>I guess not.</i>
</p><p>There is a longing. A longing which lies in direct conflict with living.</p><p>He must keep on living.</p><p>Because he could not leave. He failed, and he cannot stand to fail like that again.</p><p>It is impossible to explain.</p><p>
  <i>Stay with me.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>I’m here.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>I’m here.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>I have no other choice.</i>
</p>
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